GAMWRITERS

Marital Nightmares due to Meddling Family Members

By Suntou Touray, UK

(www.suntoumana.blogspot.com)

Marriage is a solemn engagement meant to bond relationships. The institution of marriage permits legal bearing of children to keep the human life chain in active motion. This important union has the longest history in human relations from primitive times. It is still the most predominant social practice in most modern societies and shared by religious and non religious people around the world. In pagan and religious communities, marriage is observed and well preserved.  Most romantic relations gradually mature to marital union. It is the epitome of confirming one’s love for the other. Why do we get married?

This depends on individual point of view. One thing evident is that, most people who choose marriage want to have children born in a legitimate relationship. The expression of being illegitimate can produce profound impressions. The mere utterance of the word can cause anger and distasteful sensations. For many others, it is a fulfilment of both cultural and spiritual desires. People want to have children in a respectable and blessed relationship. Marriage is a communal undertaking. This is why weddings are big occasions where family and friends are invited to grace the occasion.

Marriage is also a mark in the sand. It is an indication that a certain man and woman are not available for any offers. They are in short not available for any show of love by other single men and women.

The children born in a married relationship are known and identified by others, through their parents, mum and dad. The kids are legally given their father’s family name; an honour for every man and woman. Some will say it is the fruit of love.

It is called the seal of love, the joy of a respectable relationship, sanctioned by family and friends.

By religious standards marriage is the only option for procreation. Islam prohibits having children outside marriage. Cohabiting with a woman outside marriage is considered an abomination, an act with a capital punishment. The stipulated penalty is by lashing and stoning. This is how the union is highly sanctioned by God the most high.

What we are about to share is how this serious and important social relationship suffers major problems in our Gambian society. Men and women get married, they live as couples and sometimes stay in a family home, or they move out to live independently.

The busy-bodies:

Many Gambians can narrate incidences of meddling mothers-in-law on both sides. These mothers-in-law try their best to be the decision makers in their sons’ or daughters’ marital relationship. In some instances this can be highly unwelcoming and are capable of producing undesirable consequences. Couples taking orders from parents can be considered a matter of serious meddling.

Marriage is supposed to be a relationship between two consenting adults. This defines the mental capabilities of the two individuals entering into a lifelong contract. Yes they can seek opinions from their parents, but this should be purely voluntary not intrusive. Meddling parents and sibling are a worry for most Gambian married couples.

Such meddling in the marital affairs of others does not stop at parents of affected couples. Brothers, sisters, cousins, and other extended family members often take their turn. They choose to make unfair comments and some times provide bad advice.

Economic self interest is the bottom line in many instances. When the bread winner gets married the prospects of a new young family becomes a threat to the welfare of those family members already enjoying support. There is this fear that flow of benefits will be directed elsewhere. Quite often these family members prefer to keep milking the marital party. Where they are unable to dominate they turn to antagonise.

The man’s sisters are most active when their brother stays on serving as source of support. Soon after that support runs out or slows down, a state of conflict arises. The blaming finger points at an imaginary obstacle. They become jealous and start interfering and causing unhealthy feelings against their brother’s wife. They usually gang up against their brother’s wife and start all sorts of trouble-induced claims. They often do whatever it takes to lie to their brother about his love, his wife.

What many of these family members fail to realise and accept is the fact that there is a new family that deserves to grow as a healthy separate entity.    

Now if strains are creeping into marriages due to over-burden, intrusive parents and the long hands of family members, then something is wrong. The sisters of the husband are worst in many cases. A clear example is when Mister X marriages miss Y and their marriage is going fine. Then the sisters of Mr X feel that his wife is getting all that they should be getting. Many marriages are in deep trouble mainly due to busy- body mothers, sisters and other family members. Why should married men be putting their mothers and sisters ahead of their immediate family, their own lifelong partner, flesh and blood; their children?

Some Gambian men don’t understand marital obligations and how important the woman under their care is. It is a trust of great significance. Without it divine laws have no other way of continuing the procreation of humanity. Men must understand that they have to stay close to their wife and make decisions based on their own judgment. It is important to consult with one’s love one in all household issues. They need to stay close and never allow outsiders dictate their marriage, even mothers and fathers, let alone sisters.

Allowing other family intrusion of marital space only creates distrust and ill-feelings in the relationship. There is nothing worse than a tense marriage. Why should mums and sisters or even fathers be the cause for the unhappiness in people’s relationship whilst they themselves are happily living with their own families?

There is another side to this issue. The wife’s family can also be a burden; this is when her family fills the husband’s home, pushing the husband's own folks away. Some wife’s cruelty is to the extent that they cause havoc between husband and his mum. They make their husband’s home only habitable for her extended family. These are all due to a misunderstanding of what marriage is.

From others’ experiences, it is the wife’s family who intrude in the marital space of the couple’s relationship. They take too much for granted and expect the man to take on tasks almost impossible to accomplish. They expect the lady to serve as bread winner when she has her own young family to cater for. Some unfaithful ladies get to the extent of stealing from their husband and giving it to her family members.

It is unfair and wrong.  Men and women in a marital relationship must avoid letting over-dependent outsiders to dictate what happens in their household. That is a recipe for failure. It indicates an inability to make independent decisions. This is a weakness.

Brothers continue to shoulder the burden of extended families; this on its own is a strain. Meddling family members only intend to maximise their own interest upon their married brothers and sisters at the expense of the core family (wife and kids). No good brother, sister or well wishing family member should allow this situation. Make your homes a comfortable place for yourselves and your kids. Extend help to other family members but only on measured and ability basis.

May God guide our actions! Amen!